testimonies from around kl wesley
Growing up, I was told that the reason I’m always fearful is because I was born in the year of the rat. I’m easily frightened just like a rat. However, I don’t believe that everyone born in 1996 has the problem of excessive worrying like me…
Always Worrying
When I was 4 years old and in kindergartner, I was already anxious about anything and everything. I worried about things like whether my sisters and I would be kidnapped, like the many children I heard about in the news. I also worried that my newborn sister might accidentally be swapped with another newborn in the hospital, and the baby in front of me would not be my real sister. I was worried about what my primary school friends would think of my house because it’s not as big or beautiful as theirs. I was worried about the feelings and opinions of everyone etc.
As a primary school student in a Chinese school, every few weeks someone will share a new racist joke they have learned. Primary school-aged children already had access to pornographic materials. The bulletin board in the canteen had a newspaper article about a student of our age being raped by her classmates in school. It was not unusual for some teachers to favour the richer and smarter students among us, as they could attend the teacher’s tuition classes after school and afford to buy them more luxurious gifts for Teacher’s Day. At the age of 11, my desk mate, who happened to be a boy one day, blurted out to me, “You have the weirdest face in this school, probably the weirdest face I have ever seen.” Since boys will be boys, I had been tripped over so much that I ended up on my fours on the floor, and a sling used to shoot rubber bands at me that left marks on my arms and legs. All this is in addition to the occasional fresh red cane marks on my palms from the usual disciplining for various reasons, such as making mistakes in my homework. I kept all these things in my heart, because, to 12-year-old me, it was just a regular way of growing up.
So, my worldview as an anxious kid growing up is that racism, sexual immorality, discrimination that favours the rich and beautiful, and bullying are all societal norms, the status quo.
I did not know God personally or know who exactly was God or if a God even existed back then, but I would thank God (whoever God was) that despite the circumstances described above, He blessed me with loving family and friends in every phase of my life to get me through high school and college.
I did not know anything about Jesus, but I remembered that one of my best friends, who is a faithful Christian, reprimanded me for using ‘Jesus Christ!’ as an expression of frustration or a swear word as portrayed in the media. We were 14 years old then, and I did not understand why she was so upset, but I stopped anyway, because she was my best friend.
First Panic Attacks
Fast forward to university, and my anxiety became even more apparent. I was overwhelmed with the guilt of studying away from home. I had failed to secure a scholarship. and had to rely on my parents to finance my studies, and furthermore, I was not able to help out at home. Surrounded by peers who were high achievers, hardworking, and more intelligent, I felt inadequate most of the time.
I started experiencing episodes of intense anxiety during presentations and exams. On some occasions, when I am alone in my room, I will start to tremble and experience difficulty breathing, heart racing, muscle tension, dizziness, and dissociation. I thank God because He surrounded me with the best of friends and housemates, who kept me grounded during these panic attacks and were always there to help me.
I contemplated giving up the 5-year course because I often doubted myself. How would I be able to pursue a career helping others if I was unable to control my own thoughts and anxieties?
During my final year and the first COVID-19 Movement Control Order (MCO), my parents had to close their restaurant as they were unable to afford the rent, and I had a difficult time focusing on my studies.
The Darkness Inside Me
They always say, ‘Good things happen to good people’ or ‘What you sow is what you reap’. But to me at that time, bad things always happen to ‘good’ people. I never felt like I was a ‘good’ person, no matter how hard I tried to be ‘good’. No matter how hard I try, I end up raising my voice to my family during arguments, or I harm, upset, or offend my friends despite my best efforts not to. At that time, I had not realized it, but besides anxiety, I was also battling with ego, pride, jealousy, cynicism, lust, impatience, unrighteous anger, foul thoughts and language, selfish desires, unending sadness, etc. while desiring to be a ‘good’ person.
The Bullying Continues
I thought the nightmare of being bullied ended in primary school; I would never have imagined going through it again. It was amplified and much worse when I started working.
As juniors, we had to endure humiliation, yelling, shouting, name-calling, and degrading that occurs day in and day out, while working up to 18-20 hours a day, 6-7 days a week, barely eating a meal a day, and being on our feet the whole day without any toilet breaks. A lot of us, as those who went through this period of training before us, would develop suicidal thoughts and intentions. Some brothers and sisters lost their lives while microsleeping from exhaustion while driving back from work, and some (may their souls rest in God) even took their own lives, as reported in the news. Meaningless, life was really meaningless.
I still did not know God or Jesus, but my good friend sent me a verse from the Bible that helped me cope at work: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (Colossians 3:23). Instead of letting the insults of people at work eat me up, I could focus on working for the Lord (God, whoever He is), on serving patients, and not on human bullies.
My partner is a devout Christian, like his family. I could not understand it at that time, but with the scarce rest day we had, he would spend most of it praying, reading his Bible, and doing daily devotions. He encourages me with lessons from the Bible and explains the meaning behind Scripture. He demonstrated his faith through his character and actions. Even though I was initially quite reluctant to attend church, he was patient, gentle, and kind as he led me towards Christ.
I lost almost 10 kilograms in just a few months of working, along with losing interest in everything and the willpower to live. I didn’t have the appetite to eat and couldn’t even sleep most nights. Meaningless, life was meaningless.
Anxiety Disorder
I mustered up the courage to admit that I needed professional help. So, I was referred to a counsellor and then a psychiatrist. God blessed me with a lovely senior psychiatrist, who also happened to be an alumnus from my university.
When anxiety is excessive, irrational, and interferes with a person’s ability to function daily for a period of time, it is a disorder, which is what I had. Counselling and medication helped with the physical symptoms, but the intrusive, dark, negative thoughts remained.
Despite the negative feelings and emotions, I am always grateful for my circumstances and for the loved ones around me. Gratitude comes naturally, but I have never experienced true peace of mind and heart. Vacations, celebrations, and achievements provide temporary joy but the worries of life creep in and steal the joy away anyway.
I have tried meditating, keeping a gratitude journal, deep breathing, and overcoming unhelpful thinking habits (catastrophizing, emotional reasoning), but I still could not find joy and peace. Having to still go through emotional and mental abuse at work did not help my emotional wellbeing.
It was somewhat taboo to be seen working in the same department as your partner, so I decided to look for a new home screen wallpaper for my phone to replace the selfie of us together. After scrolling for some time, I came across a wallpaper with the verse, “The peace I give the world cannot give, so do not be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27). At that moment, I felt as if someone was illuminating a bright light to fill the deep dark void in my heart. It felt as if someone opened a cage, broke my chains, and set me free. For the first time, at age 26, I felt peace. Tears were streaming down my face; I could not explain where this peace was coming from, perhaps it was the moment of epiphany as I realized I could not seek peace from this world, not from meditations, medications, vacations, from completing an exam or personal achievements, because peace can only be found in God, Himself. Peace is not the absence of conflict; but the presence of God. There was authority in this verse, God was clearly saying this peace, only I can give, so with authority (authority: the power or right to give orders and make a change), the Creator of the universe was calling me by my name and telling me: peace I give to you, so do not be troubled or afraid.
Jesus is the Messiah, the Anointed One by God the Father.
After a few months, I realized that Jesus, who is God, was the one speaking to me in John 14:27. In John 14, Jesus was preparing His disciples for the challenges they would face after His crucifixion and death. He did not leave them without a comforter, encourager, and counsellor. He promised them the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in His name to comfort and sustain them until the end of time.
As I continue to pursue hearing God speak through the Bible, Jesus Christ shifts my whole paradigm and worldview. He continues to peel the layers of darkness from my heart. I couldn’t find peace because I was searching for it in all the wrong places. What Jesus teaches us is the opposite of what the world says:
1) Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43–44) versus the world: karma will pay them back, or success is the best revenge.)
2) Blessed are the poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3)versus the world: you are blessed if you are rich, powerful, and successful.
3) Blessed are the meek (Matthew 5:3) versus the world: be assertive and self-assured.
4) Looking at a woman or man with lust is already adultery as it comes from your heart (Matthew 5:28), because Christ knows that the thoughts from our hearts drive us to take action versus the world: what your partner does not know won’t hurt them.
5) Serve and put others above yourself (Matthew 20:28) versus the world: put yourself first; do what’s best for you first.
6) Do not oppress a foreigner; you yourselves know how it feels to be foreigners, because you were foreigners. (Exodus 23:9)
Every day I would worry about what comes next, about the next event, the next day, the next month, and the next year to come. The world says you’re a failure if you don’t already have your life planned out. Jesus says, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) not because He wants to shrug off my worries; Jesus is the authority to say “Do not worry” because He knows the paralyzing effect of anxiety and how anxiety robs us of being in the present moment. Jesus is the author of life; He already knows the plans He has for us. Do not worry; through trials and tribulations, through suffering and pain, through celebrations and achievements, I am with you; I am in control; it is my battle, not yours. (2 Chronicles 20:15, Haggai 2:4-5, Joshua 1:9).
All through our lives, we are taught that when there’s a will, there’s a way; we are taught to search for the light in the darkness; we are taught to seek evidence and discern the truth; Jesus says: “I am the way, the truth and the life”. “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness because you will have the light that leads to life. (John 14:6, John 8:12)
I did not know how to love or live because I did not know God. I was straying away from God and His purposes. God came down in the flesh as Christ Jesus. God wants to show us love, but not all of us want God; God will always want us.
I am an imperfect daughter, sister, friend, partner, colleague, and student who has hurt others and made many mistakes (and I am still making mistakes) in this journey of life, but with the perfect blood of Jesus, I have access to a perfect God that holds me accountable and guides me to the right paths.
I have been denying Jesus Christ as God for the most of my life, but now through Him, I am saved to not just know but to act on the love that God our Father showers us with through His Holy Spirit, despite my many mistakes and weaknesses, through the blood and resurrection of Christ Jesus, my God, my Lord, and my Saviour. Amen.