(One of my testimonies arising out of my BSF 2025 to 2026 Study –
People of the Promise – Exile & Return: A Time To Build)
When you look at me and at the surface of things, you may think that life for me is perfect and beautiful. The reality is I’ve been suffering from 2 huge crises (yes, “crises” the plural for “crisis”) that have been going on concurrently for a long time. The depths of which I cannot even begin to describe to you. Some close friends, family, and those who have been praying alongside me, may know a lot more but not everything, simply because it’s impossible to tell others all the convoluted details. Only God knows it all and is with me through it all.
What I can tell you now, in summary, is that the first is a heartbreaking and complicated family crisis that’s arisen because of a family member’s persistently abusive and harmful behaviour towards Mum. This affected me intensely, as I’d dedicated myself against all odds, to loving and caring for Mum and to seeking her best interests, since 2020, when Mum, who used to be so healthy, tougher than I have ever been, started to get sick more and more often. Just little things at first, like gum sores and flus, then from 2023, fall after fall after fall, head wounds, broken bones, chronic infections, frequent hospitalisations and background dementia set off by her falls, that weakened and diminished Mum increasingly, to my great sorrow. Yet, my heart is filled with thankfulness and gratitude too, for through it all, in amazing grace and awesome power, God has also, sustained and preserved Mum, strengthened me and made me His instrument of blessing to her, and blessed and provided us with my supportive hubby Kok Shen and faithful helper Nim, both of whom have been invaluable aids and blessings.
Growing up, I did not have an easy relationship with Mum, largely because of her lifelong favouritism towards my brothers. It is thanks to God that I can say this with no rancour, and I share it simply because it is a big part of my story, and yet another testament to His great love, grace, power and healing that’s been at work in my life accomplishing His good purposes to such an extent that I have not only been able to love Mum the way Jesus has loved me but even to rejoice greatly at it. So much as to say that none of my travails for her have been a duty, responsibility, or onerous burden, rather I count it my great privilege and blessing to have the opportunity to love and care for Mum, spend time with her, comfort, support, encourage, cheer and bring joy to her, particularly in the senior years of her life.
What did overexert me, however, was the tremendous strain of having to deal with the family member who has hindered, obstructed and bullied me at every turn, and sorrowfully caused great detriment to Mum’s welfare. Thus, a few months ago, in March, the prolonged stress and strain of it all finally tipped my body over the critical point into my own multi-system health crisis. With the final straw being mum’s recent hospitalisation after our family member broke her arm when rough handling her, while also passing her a terrible flu which led to pneumonia, by stubbornly refused to wear a mask when interacting with her. My body, pushed past its limits with far too much, for far too long, said “enough is enough”, and while this is not a comprehensive list, I have at the very least been diagnosed with nervous system and immune system disorders that affect my skin, breathing, sleep, teeth and jaw. The most immediately debilitating condition being a severe, stinging, fluid-filled form of dermatitis and folliculitis, that’s currently still in the unfortunate stage of recurring and being prone to flaring up at any time, all over my scalp, face and body, with no part spared nor immune to it. It is especially triggered by chronic stress and a lack of good sleep and rest. This has only just been slightly restrained by continuous steroids, antibiotics and antihistamines increased to its maximum dosage. Even then, I’ve had to stay home for 2 months, barely even able to be with Mum at the hospital as I wished, because of my body’s fragile, highly sensitised and inflamed state. I can only thank God that I have a home to rest in and Him to take refuge with.
To this day, there are no certain answers nor quick and easy solutions for Mum, myself and our family, and the road to breakthrough and recovery is long and complex.
So, how have I been able to live through the impossibilities, heartbreak and suffering, and still stay afloat, hopeful and even joyful in the Lord? Some may ask, where is God? But I have declared this many times over, and I will declare it again and again, to myself and to others. God has been right here, every step of the way, my Rock and Refuge, my ever present Help and Strength at all times, the Maker of heaven and earth whom we can look to as our Loving Father God who is mindful of us, who watches over and cares for us with a perfect and unfailing love that casts out my fears, the only Wise God our Saviour who gives us light, hope and strength on the darkest and most difficult of days, and who faithfully carries me and preserves my faith in Him and my life with Him, through every challenge and season.
Indeed, I lift up my heart in grateful thanks – to the Lord my God who has done all of this by His Spirit’s faithful Presence and awesome work – for my personal experiences of His praiseworthy and trustworthy Presence and track record with me, and for His precious Word which my BSF studies have been such a great help with. Most recently, our latest study’s focus on – the prophets and leaders that God sovereignly positioned and raised to speak for Him, lead, teach, warn, guide, comfort and encourage His people. For me in particular, I will remember Daniel and his friends, Esther and Mordecai, Nehemiah and the pagan kings that God influenced and used; how God exercised His Almighty power and orchestrated and directed the circumstances, according to His good, pleasing and perfect will, plans and timing, out of His faithful, steadfast, relentless and abounding love for His people, as Nehemiah led by persevering in prayer and trusting in God as they rebuilt the wall.
So, despite the still seemingly hopeless appearance of things, in the stormy blast and this not-yet-time of waiting, I determine to declare once again — God is still God. God is still on His throne. God is still the God who loves and hears us as we cry out to Him for mercy and wait upon Him to intervene and help us. God is still sovereign. God is still good, so so good. Indeed, I thank God for all the comfort and encouragement, rest and peace, grace and provision, strength and hope, rainbows, joys and blessings, that He has poured out and continues to pour out upon me, Mum and our household, even in the midst of our suffering. And I thank God that – through His precious, living, true Word and oh-so-real, I-Am-Who-I-Am never-leaving-nor-forsaking Holy Spirit Presence, my beloved friends, wonderful BSF GLs, sisters and family-in-Christ, as well as the patient, gentle, kind, caring and commendable doctors, nurses and social worker of Mum’s hospital UMMC, and subsequently Faith Hope Love Hospice – He has not been silent and I have never been alone. And the truth is that as I seek to cling on to Him, HE is the one who steadfastly holds me fast.
Just as He has said in Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” And as the song goes, “He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast, for my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast!”
