Testimonies

Blessings of grace and peace to all dear friends, family and everyone reading this!

As I look back on 2024 and look forward to 2025, I am filled with joy and thanksgiving to God for the many blessings I can count, and my prayer for us is that He will continue to bless us out of the bountiful riches of His perfect love, all sufficient provision and grace upon grace, and that He will carry us through each and every day of this new year ahead and beyond, filling in all our gaps and meeting our needs as He knows best!

Here is my testimony and song of praise to the Lord for 2024, written on the cusp of a new year and as we stepped into 2025 with Him.

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When I look back on the year we’ve had, so unbelievably challenging, trying and harrowing, yet packed-to-the-brim eventful, fruitful, joyful and blessed, I can scarcely believe how hubby, I and our family have sailed through it all and how we continue to be able to press on, notwithstanding ongoing challenges with caring for Mum (Mum’s trials and tribulations have included many falls, acute and chronic urinary tract infections which necessitated courses upon courses of antibiotics, deconditioning-causing hospitalisations, delirium, background dementia, and continuous health, safety, sanity, wellbeing and spiritual warfare challenges…). And I can only thank God as I consider with awe and amazement all that God has been, and all that He has orchestrated for us and brought us and our family through!

I am astounded by how I have been able to dance on the mountaintops and to tread on the heights, as undeterred and sure footed as a mountain goat, despite the intensity of the rough terrain and deep valleys that we have had to traverse! Although I am not surprised, I must say, because ever and always, the LORD our God has been before us, the Trustworthy, True, Sovereign, Almighty and Praiseworthy God who from everlasting to everlasting is God, my Creator and my Sustainer, my Source and my Provider, my Strength and my Song, my Portion and my Cup, my Joy and my Very Great Reward!

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The way I walked and lived the past year of ups and downs, valleys and mountains, crises-riddled pathways and green pastures, was to commit and release everything and everyone to this God, looking to Him every step of the way, asking Him to arrange everything for us, day after day. This God who is the Word from Whom and for Whom I was made and in Whom I live, move, breathe and have my very being; the Only Wise God our Saviour who just as I prayed, preserved and sustained us and worked all things together for our good to the praise of His Glorious and Matchless Name; the Final Amen who opens doors no one can shut and whose good, gracious, perfect and unstoppable will, plans and purposes no one can prevail against, negate or destroy; and the One who will carry on to its completion the good work He has begun for me, in me and through me!

And that, was my best decision ever! For it enabled me to find peace and rest in Him despite the storms and even in the storms, and to be continually encouraged and renewed so that I could keep going despite everything, as HE increasingly became the very fabric of my reality! Isaiah 40:28-31 proved true once again for me:

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

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As I made space for Him and kept abiding in Him daily, He kept filling me with His peace, joy and hope, and He poured out on me His lifegiving Spirit and the blessings that flow from His Presence with us, thus causing me to thrive in the sacred space with Him, just as He intended! As I consider how He has been bringing me deeper and deeper into knowing Him as my All in all, I want to thank Him once again, for preserving Mum’s life, for blessing us with her continued presence with us, for His never leaving nor forsaking and dear Presence that’s as close as my very breath itself, for His unfailing love, unwavering faithfulness, wisdom, guidance, protection, provision, grace and favour, that have carried me throughout. I thank Him for how I have been able to stand strong and firm for my family by His grace, enabling and power, and for the great measure of the gift of faith and hope that the Holy Spirit has given me in Him, especially and ever more for this challenging season. I take heart that He fights for us and for our families, and that for all that is out of my hands, I need only to be still and to keep looking to Him and waiting on Him.

Indeed, He has been marvellous and so so good, His promises steadfast and dependable, and His will – good, gracious and perfect! And He, our Creator and Master Planner God has ordered, worked and progressively moved us forward in His good plans and purposes for us with such omniscient precision and detail, perfect timing and goodness upon goodness, that nothing we could ever have asked for or imagined, or gained and worked out for ourselves, could be better!

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So I ended 2024 with a heart overflowing with thankfulness, gratitude, joy and song. And I stepped into 2025, with peace and confidence, despite everything and come what may, into the uncertain and the unknown, as well as all the new things, purposes and goodness that He has already prepared and set in place before us. I put our faith and hope once again, in our God who has never failed or disappointed us, who is and ever will be the same Unchanging God who was and is and is to come, my solid Rock and Firm Foundation, my Fortress and Sanctuary, my Sun and Shield, my Vanguard and Support, my Helper and Counsellor, my Vision and Inspiration, my Good Good Father and Good Shepherd who goes before us and with us; the God who does new things and makes a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland; the God who makes rivers of living water flow from within us and who gives us water that becomes in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life … – knowing and trusting that He will make a bright new way for us, take care of us in the days, months and years ahead, and make all things beautiful and good for us in His time.

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All praises,
honour, glory and thanksgiving
be to the God who is Worthy of every song
I will ever sing,
both now and forevermore!

4/8/2024: Growing up as a child and teenager, I did not have much interaction with my Uncle Chu Poh and Aunty Oi Lian, except perhaps at Chinese New Year. Uncle Chu Poh was my father’s cousin from my paternal grandma’s side. But when I first came back from university in England, during a visit they made to my parents, we connected and they started bringing me to church with them. I used to sit with them during services until my Aunt brought me to the choir room and I joined the choir.

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My Uncle and Aunt were very much a part of my adult life and faith journey, especially as I was growing up in the Lord. They were my sponsors when I got baptised. I still have the Bible that Uncle Chu Poh gave me then. I would phone my Uncle just to catch up from time to time and when I was going through challenges, during which he would listen to me patiently and talk things through with me. Basically, he was there for me and he and my Aunt were people I could count on.

My hubby Shen and I used to visit them regularly and we would often have lunch together. When we were still dating and going through the challenge of my parents being opposed and unreceptive to hubby, my Uncle and Aunt supported us, and prayed with us and for us throughout it all. They even hosted my father-in-law and mother-in-law for lunch in their home. It meant so much to us, because at that time, my parents were still unwilling to even accept thoughts of the increasingly serious relationship between hubby and I. Having my uncle and aunt representing a welcoming stance and extending warmth from my family’s side, must have I’m sure, made a world of difference to hubby and his parents too.

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When we got married, my Uncle served as the liturgist and my Aunt as the organist, for our wedding. Not only that, they were the ones who picked my parents up and drove them to our church, making sure that they would be there in good time and without any deterring incident, in the midst of another family turbulence that was happening at that time. And the one thing I will always remember my Uncle assuring me with was – when you honour God, He will honour you. Indeed, God has been faithful and lived up to this assurance.

When my father passed away, my Uncle was the one who came to UH to be with my mum, me and hubby, and to help us to do what was necessary. When I resigned from my job at one time to go into partnership with someone who pulled out at the last minute after we had finalised the deal, breaking his word by using God as his excuse, my Uncle and Aunt were there to go through it with me, supporting, counselling, encouraging me and helping me to deal with it, let it go and move forward. Here is another thing I will always remember my Uncle saying to me – God will vidicate you. And you know what, God did exactly that, of course, in His time.

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It was only when hubby started his business and had to work weekends, and also when much of our free time and energy was spent on mum as she started to require a lot more care because of her health challenges, that we were no longer able to spend much time with my Uncle and Aunt or anyone else for that matter. Still we would keep in touch with them from time to time on the phone and at Christmas and Chinese New Year, and it was always good to see their familiar faces at church. And I am thankful that we managed to visit, spend some time together, talk and pray with my Uncle and Aunt, when he was unwell, twice, in his final 2 months.

Well, these are just some of the many events and memories that we will remember, appreciate and cherish. I know other people would have experienced my Uncle and Aunt in different ways. But for hubby and I, we will always be thankful and grateful for the special and important part they have played in our lives, and for the love and time that
they invested in us.

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And so we grieve the loss of my Uncle. But we are comforted and rejoice knowing that he has fought the good fight, finished the race and is resting peacefully now, without any more pain, suffering, illness and discomfort, in Christ and in the everlasting arms of our loving and faithful God and Heavenly Father. And that on that glorious day to come, we will get to be with him again, together with my grandparents, father and brother, as we rejoice with each other in the Presence of God forever.

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Thank you Uncle Chu Poh and Aunty Oi Lian, for loving us. We love you too.

Growing up, I was told that the reason I’m always fearful is because I was born in the year of the rat. I’m easily frightened just like a rat. However, I don’t believe that everyone born in 1996 has the problem of excessive worrying like me…

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Always Worrying

When I was 4 years old and in kindergartner, I was already anxious about anything and everything. I worried about things like whether my sisters and I would be kidnapped, like the many children I heard about in the news. I also worried that my newborn sister might accidentally be swapped with another newborn in the hospital, and the baby in front of me would not be my real sister. I was worried about what my primary school friends would think of my house because it’s not as big or beautiful as theirs. I was worried about the feelings and opinions of everyone etc.

As a primary school student in a Chinese school, every few weeks someone will share a new racist joke they have learned. Primary school-aged children already had access to pornographic materials. The bulletin board in the canteen had a newspaper article about a student of our age being raped by her classmates in school. It was not unusual for some teachers to favour the richer and smarter students among us, as they could attend the teacher’s tuition classes after school and afford to buy them more luxurious gifts for Teacher’s Day. At the age of 11, my desk mate, who happened to be a boy one day, blurted out to me, “You have the weirdest face in this school, probably the weirdest face I have ever seen.” Since boys will be boys, I had been tripped over so much that I ended up on my fours on the floor,  and a sling used to shoot rubber bands at me that left marks on my arms and legs. All this is in addition to the occasional fresh red cane marks on my palms from the usual disciplining for various reasons, such as making mistakes in my homework. I kept all these things in my heart, because, to 12-year-old me, it was just a regular way of growing up.

So, my worldview as an anxious kid growing up is that racism, sexual immorality, discrimination that favours the rich and beautiful, and bullying are all societal norms, the status quo.  

I did not know God personally or know who exactly was God or if a God even existed back then, but I would thank God (whoever God was) that despite the circumstances described above, He blessed me with loving family and friends in every phase of my life to get me through high school and college.

I did not know anything about Jesus, but I remembered that one of my best friends, who is a faithful Christian, reprimanded me for using ‘Jesus Christ!’ as an expression of frustration or a swear word as portrayed in the media. We were 14 years old then, and I did not understand why she was so upset, but I stopped anyway, because she was my best friend.

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First Panic Attacks

Fast forward to university, and my anxiety became even more apparent. I was overwhelmed with the guilt of studying away from home. I had failed to secure a scholarship. and had to rely on my parents to finance my studies, and furthermore, I was not able to help out at home. Surrounded by peers who were high achievers, hardworking, and more intelligent, I felt inadequate most of the time.

I started experiencing episodes of intense anxiety during presentations and exams.  On some occasions, when I am alone in my room, I will start to tremble and experience difficulty breathing, heart racing, muscle tension, dizziness, and dissociation. I thank God because He surrounded me with the best of friends and housemates, who kept me grounded during these panic attacks and were always there to help me.

I contemplated giving up the 5-year course because I often doubted myself. How would I be able to pursue a career helping others if I was unable to control my own thoughts and anxieties?

During my final year and the first COVID-19 Movement Control Order (MCO), my parents had to close their restaurant as they were unable to afford the rent, and I had a difficult time focusing on my studies. 

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The Darkness Inside Me

They always say, ‘Good things happen to good people’ or ‘What you sow is what you reap’. But to me at that time, bad things always happen to ‘good’ people. I never felt like I was a ‘good’ person, no matter how hard I tried to be ‘good’. No matter how hard I try, I end up raising my voice to my family during arguments, or I harm, upset, or offend my friends despite my best efforts not to. At that time, I had not realized it, but besides anxiety, I was also battling with ego, pride, jealousy, cynicism, lust, impatience, unrighteous anger, foul thoughts and language, selfish desires, unending sadness, etc. while desiring to be a ‘good’ person.

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The Bullying Continues

I thought the nightmare of being bullied ended in primary school; I would never have imagined going through it again.  It was amplified and much worse when I started working.

As juniors, we had to endure humiliation, yelling, shouting, name-calling, and degrading that occurs day in and day out, while working up to 18-20 hours a day, 6-7 days a week, barely eating a meal a day, and being on our feet the whole day without any toilet breaks. A lot of us, as those who went through this period of training before us, would develop suicidal thoughts and intentions. Some brothers and sisters lost their lives while microsleeping from exhaustion while driving back from work, and some (may their souls rest in God) even took their own lives, as reported in the news. Meaningless, life was really meaningless.

I still did not know God or Jesus, but my good friend sent me a verse from the Bible that helped me cope at work: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (Colossians 3:23). Instead of letting the insults of people at work eat me up, I could focus on working for the Lord (God, whoever He is), on serving patients, and not on human bullies.

My partner is a devout Christian, like his family. I could not understand it at that time, but with the scarce rest day we had, he would spend most of it praying, reading his Bible, and doing daily devotions. He encourages me with lessons from the Bible and explains the meaning behind Scripture. He demonstrated his faith through his character and actions. Even though I was initially quite reluctant to attend church, he was patient, gentle, and kind as he led me towards Christ.  

I lost almost 10 kilograms in just a few months of working, along with losing interest in everything and the willpower to live. I didn’t have the appetite to eat and couldn’t even sleep most nights. Meaningless, life was meaningless.

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Anxiety Disorder

I mustered up the courage to admit that I needed professional help. So, I was referred to a counsellor and then a psychiatrist. God blessed me with a lovely senior psychiatrist, who also happened to be an alumnus from my university.

When anxiety is excessive, irrational, and interferes with a person’s ability to function daily for a period of time, it is a disorder, which is what I had. Counselling and medication helped with the physical symptoms, but the intrusive, dark, negative thoughts remained.

Despite the negative feelings and emotions, I am always grateful for my circumstances and for the loved ones around me. Gratitude comes naturally, but I have never experienced true peace of mind and heart. Vacations, celebrations, and achievements provide temporary joy but the worries of life creep in and steal the joy away anyway.

I have tried meditating, keeping a gratitude journal, deep breathing, and overcoming unhelpful thinking habits (catastrophizing, emotional reasoning), but I still could not find joy and peace. Having to still go through emotional and mental abuse at work did not help my emotional wellbeing.

It was somewhat taboo to be seen working in the same department as your partner, so I decided to look for a new home screen wallpaper for my phone to replace the selfie of us together. After scrolling for some time, I came across a wallpaper with the verse, “The peace I give the world cannot give, so do not be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27). At that moment, I felt as if someone was illuminating a bright light to fill the deep dark void in my heart. It felt as if someone opened a cage, broke my chains, and set me free. For the first time, at age 26, I felt peace. Tears were streaming down my face; I could not explain where this peace was coming from, perhaps it was the moment of epiphany as I realized I could not seek peace from this world, not from meditations, medications, vacations, from completing an exam or personal achievements, because peace can only be found in God, Himself. Peace is not the absence of conflict; but the presence of God. There was authority in this verse, God was clearly saying this peace, only I can give, so with authority (authority: the power or right to give orders and make a change), the Creator of the universe was calling me by my name and telling me: peace I give to you, so do not be troubled or afraid. 

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Jesus is the Messiah, the Anointed One by God the Father.

After a few months, I realized that Jesus, who is God, was the one speaking to me in John 14:27. In John 14, Jesus was preparing His disciples for the challenges they would face after His crucifixion and death. He did not leave them without a comforter, encourager, and counsellor.  He promised them the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in His name to comfort and sustain them until the end of time.

As I continue to pursue hearing God speak through the Bible, Jesus Christ shifts my whole paradigm and worldview. He continues to peel the layers of darkness from my heart. I couldn’t find peace because I was searching for it in all the wrong places. What Jesus teaches us is the opposite of what the world says:

1) Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43–44) versus the world: karma will pay them back, or success is the best revenge.)

2) Blessed are the poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3)versus the world: you are blessed if you are rich, powerful, and successful.

3) Blessed are the meek (Matthew 5:3) versus the world: be assertive and self-assured.

4) Looking at a woman or man with lust is already adultery as it comes from your heart (Matthew 5:28), because Christ knows that the thoughts from our hearts drive us to take action versus the world: what your partner does not know won’t hurt them.

5) Serve and put others above yourself (Matthew 20:28) versus the world: put yourself first; do what’s best for you first.

6) Do not oppress a foreigner; you yourselves know how it feels to be foreigners, because you were foreigners. (Exodus 23:9)

Every day I would worry about what comes next, about the next event, the next day, the next month, and the next year to come. The world says you’re a failure if you don’t already have your life planned out. Jesus says, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) not because He wants to shrug off my worries; Jesus is the authority to say “Do not worry” because He knows the paralyzing effect of anxiety and how anxiety robs us of being in the present moment. Jesus is the author of life; He already knows the plans He has for us. Do not worry; through trials and tribulations, through suffering and pain, through celebrations and achievements, I am with you; I am in control; it is my battle, not yours. (2 Chronicles 20:15, Haggai 2:4-5, Joshua 1:9).

All through our lives, we are taught that when there’s a will, there’s a way; we are taught to search for the light in the darkness; we are taught to seek evidence and discern the truth; Jesus says: “I am the way, the truth and the life”. “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness because you will have the light that leads to life. (John 14:6, John 8:12)

I did not know how to love or live because I did not know God. I was straying away from God and His purposes. God came down in the flesh as Christ Jesus. God wants to show us love, but not all of us want God; God will always want us. 

I am an imperfect daughter, sister, friend, partner, colleague, and student who has hurt others and made many mistakes (and I am still making mistakes) in this journey of life, but with the perfect blood of Jesus, I have access to a perfect God that holds me accountable and guides me to the right paths.

I have been denying Jesus Christ as God for the most of my life, but now through Him, I am saved to not just know but to act on the love that God our Father showers us with through His Holy Spirit, despite my many mistakes and weaknesses, through the blood and resurrection of Christ Jesus, my God, my Lord, and my Saviour. Amen.

I am a 4^th generation Christian, baptized in WMCKL in 1946. My late grandparents, namely, Mr. and Mrs. T.K Cheong were the first couple to get married in WMCKL in 1917. My grandfather was the first chairman of our Church Board (pre-curser to the LCEC). My late Mum, namely, Mrs. Lee Min Yin founded the Wesley Fellowship of Young Adults, and was a Sunday School teacher and counselor to the MYF. Although my grandparents and parents were actively involved in church ministries, I became a pew warmer for 40 years, but nonetheless would tag along with my parents to fellowship gatherings.

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ESCAPING FROM DANGER

In 1969, my family came to fetch me from the office to visit my grandfather’s grave on his 1^st death anniversary. After paying our respects to Grandpa, we proceeded to pay our respects to Puan Sri Gunn Lay Teik who was lying in state at her house in Jalan Pekeliling. As I was complaining of stomach pains, we then proceeded to Dr. Too Chee Kwong’s clinic at Jalan Bukit Bintang. However, on our way there, the pain disappeared and we decided to go home for dinner, instead of stopping by in Campbell Road for dinner. As we were driving along the Federal Highway around 7pm, we saw 2 groups of about 50 people each, wearing bandanas, along each side of the highway. We later found out that they were stopping cars driving along the highway and attacking them from about 7.15pm. Thank God, we were protected from the horrendous attacks by minutes. As we drove to PJ New Town, policemen with loud hailers asked everyone to go home as a curfew had been put in place. We managed to grab some loaves of bread at a neighbourhood store before returning home. As soon as we reached home, we switched on the television and heard the announcement about the curfew.

Later that evening, Dato’ Lau Foo Sun, the late Puan Sri Gunn’s son-in-law, called to find out if we were safely home. Indeed, God kept our family safe in spite of the dangers that we were exposed to during the May 13 incident. We had shifted from Kampong Bahru to Petaling Jaya 3 months prior to May 13. The whole area of Kampong Bahru, Princes Road, Campbell Road, and Chow Kit were in the forefront of the racial riots. Our former neighbours on Hale Road had to run for their lives when the hordes banged on their doors. They managed to escape and ran to the Campbell Police Station for cover before being transported to Chin Woo Stadium and other places for shelter. Friends asked if we knew of the riots beforehand; we testified that it was God who protected us because of His mercy on our family.

In January 1971, Kuala Lumpur experienced devastating floods and the water rose up to 4 feet, almost submerging the hibiscus hedge fence of our former house. We had never experienced any floods before that; we had been living there since 1939. The decision to move to PJ in 1969 saved us from the terror of the May 13 riots and the flood. Indeed, God is so merciful and was very good to our family.

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CHURCH MINISTRY

I decided to teach at the Sunday School in Trinity Methodist Church Petaling Jaya after being persuaded three times by Mr. Harry Fang, the Sunday School Superintendent of TMCPJ. Over the years from 1970 -2000, I feel blessed to have taught 3 future pastors – Rev. Andrew Lim, Rev. Yong Wai Yin, and Rev. Stewart Law. Two other pupils included Mr. Christopher Cheah of Seminari Theoloji Malaysia and Mr. Paul Khoo, a leader in his church in Sydney. Paul, an engineer, is the son of one of the TMCPJ founders, Mr. Khoo Oon Soo. Mrs. Grace Lee recruited me to the Methodist Women where I served 16 years in various positions, e.g. Spiritual Life Coordinator; before becoming the Vice-President, President and Advisor. I decided to give up the Sunday School when I became the President of MW.

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WORK LIFE

Personally, I had a blissful and enjoyable working life in IPPF, an international NGO, from 1970-2010. I had the opportunity to travel a fair bit while working at IPPF.

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GOD’S FAITHFULNESS AND HEALING MERCIES

One early morning, in 2005, my maid found me unconscious when she came into my bedroom. She alerted my mother, who was sleeping beside me. I was immediately sent to Assunta Hospital by ambulance. A variety of scans could not detect my condition and I was warded at the ICU for a week. The hospital bill came up to RM51K. Later, my boss, who is a medical doctor, told me that I was lucky to be alive as my body system had collapsed. It was cholangitis – I was having diabetes without knowing about it. If my maid had not found me that morning when I was in a diabetic coma, I do not know what would have happened to me then.

A year later, during a routine mammogram, I was diagnosed with 1^st stage breast cancer. So, I had a mastectomy done. Later in 2017, I had a second mastectomy. Thank God, I had the screening done on time with Mr. Peter Ho’s daughter, Dr. Evelyn Ho, a Consultant radiologist. Praise the Lord for His healing mercies on me for the 2^nd and 3^rd time!

God is so faithful. Once, on my way for a cruise trip to Shanghai, departing from Singapore, I forgot to bring my passport. The bus stopped me along the Highway near the Mines, Sg. Besi, for me to rush home to Petaling Jaya to get my passport. Thankfully, my niece-in-law, helped me locate it in my cupboard. I had to proceed to Singapore by flight. It was a harrowing experience as I had to get to the cruise ship on time. The taxi drivers in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore drove me calmly to my destinations. Singapore’s immigration allowed me an easy and hassle-free check-in. The check-in to the cruise boat was a breeze because there was no queue, and I was the last person to board the boat. It departed minutes after I had checked in. When reminiscing later that I could have missed the boat and left my friends wondering what had happened to me, my cruise room-mate, Ms. Esther Chong, told me that she was earnestly praying for me. I remember this incident so vividly as it was in March 2014 when we heard about the disappearance of MH370. It did mar the cruise trip somewhat as I was thinking about the flight passengers and crew who were missing in the ocean.

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CONCLUSION

I have experienced these real-life challenges and seen God’s miraculous hand of help and healing, His wonderful grace, and His love and guidance in my life’s journey. This is my testimony of God’s unfailing love and faithfulness. From little everyday-mercies where He helps me at opportune times to find things that I had lost/misplaced, to spotting a parking lot that He reserves for me and to preventing an accident when I landed on the opposite side of the road while driving in Petaling Jaya. I am so thankful to the Lord Jesus for His loving kindness to me. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

I conclude with this beautiful psalm:

Psalm 121:1-8

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip – He who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you – the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm – He will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

There is a fallacy that accidents happen to others but not to oneself. Having believed in this, it gave me a false sense of security that I let down my guard, especially at home. However, this incident has given me an opportunity to testify to the greatness and glory of God for giving me a second chance in life as He saved me from the jaws of death.

It happened on the morning of Dec 2, 2020 at 3.30 am. For some inexplicable reason, I stepped out of my room wanting to use the toilet downstairs; when I could have used the toilet in my own room. Little did I realize I was on the edge of the stairs, and in a flash, I found myself tumbling down seven steps to the landing below. By God’s grace, I was able to move after not moving for 3 to 4 minutes. There was a deep cut on my chin, but little did I realize that the fall had caused a blood clot to form in my head. For the next two weeks life seemed “normal”. I did not suffer from headaches or any aftereffects from the fall.

Then it happened – just after Christmas, on Dec 26 or 27. I believe that was the date as I had no recollection after my blackout until I woke up in hospital after my operation to clear the blood clot.

As was told to me by close friends, I must have been unconscious for one or two days in the house toilet after the second fall. I will not go through the details as it will be a very long story. It was during this crucial moment of my life that God was closest to me. Had it not been for the help extended by my close friends and those in Ampang SG, I would not be alive today to tell my story.

God had prompted some SG members to find out what had happened to me when my calls went unanswered. What can I say except that it was God who intervened at the right moment when I needed help.

When they finally came to my house, they found me sprawled on the floor of my toilet downstairs; very weak, wet and barely conscious. They called the police and paramedics. Fortunately, my neighbour had my house key. They called my nephew who rushed back from Muar due to this emergency. I was rushed to the Ampang Puteri Hospital for medical attention, Thereafter, my nephew who is a surgeon in the government hospital arranged for me to have a Burr Hole operation at the KL Hospital. 

When I woke up after the operation, I was very lucid. After 3 days in hospital, I was much better but had to spend more than a month in a nursing home to get the necessary care I needed. 

It was during this time that I reflected on God’s love and care for me. On hindsight, my fall was not by chance. I realize a Mighty Hand had taken care of me and never forsook me. I also realize how important it is to stay close with spiritual friends; the kind that build us up when we are down or celebrate with us when we succeed. It is important to have true friends whose commitment and dedication are deeper than your physical family. I know this because God promised it.

In closing I would like to quote from Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot….” It’s obvious my time is not up and God has worked a miracle in my life in that I’m now well having recovered and fully recuperated. Through this incident I learnt not to be unduly worried about circumstances in my life. Instead, I should fully put my trust in the One who cares and sustains me no matter what situations I face. Great is God’s faithfulness and greatly js He to be praised.

Finally, I quote one of my favourites – Psalm 121: 1-2

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth….”

Psalm 121: 1-2

Indeed, God is my strength and shield – a very present help in time of trouble. 

To Him Be All Glory and Praise! 

There are many questions going through my head these days. There is also a lot of irritation. I wish there wasn’t. The questions seem fair, but the irritation seems like an unwanted scratching of fingernails across a chalk board. Yuck! Always makes me shudder.

It is no secret that I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve not gone on to a mountain top to shout it out – so if you’ve not been told, don’t be offended. I perhaps haven’t got around to it. I thought I’d be given a pass on it – and despite it being on my mum’s mind, that I might inherit her disease. I don’t remember being ever unduly worried. I remember dismissing her fears though. I remember telling her that there is no point in worrying about it. It’s not that I had a grip on things and knew exactly what I would do if I ever got it. I’m not that organized! It was just that I never thought I’d get it. When the pains first started in my fingers and then my wrist, I attributed it to my own carelessness. I was very sure that I had somehow crushed my fingers or knocked my wrist on something, without realizing it. I was very sure! In fact, when my left knee first swelled up and throbbed like crazy on the morning of church camp, I was dead sure that I’d somehow hurt myself in my sleep! It never crossed my mind that this is what I had. So, when it was suggested to me that I see a doctor immediately because it may just be RA, I was quite happy to laugh it off. I delayed going and got nagged and so I finally went with an ‘I’ll just get it ruled out and that’ll get them off my case!’ I was so sure it was something superficial and that I’d be over and done with it in a tick. Well. Apparently, I can also be wrong!

There were things that happened as a result of the diagnosis. There was a bit of fear that crept in. I had seen what the disease had done to my mum. Let’s just say, it’s not exactly inviting! I also felt excessively tired. That was such a new feeling for me. I mean – I’ve known tiredness but nothing like this. This tiredness consumed my body and my mind. I wanted to check out of everything and sleep. I’d somewhat recovered some of the buzz in my life after losing mum and going on a journey of acknowledging that grief and its effects in my life. Things were looking good again. I was enjoying it all. Fear and tiredness are not a very good combo. I felt myself digging in – sometimes I felt like I was digging into my memory of my mum. Sometimes I felt like I was digging into my own strength, which didn’t feel very secure. At points, I felt like I was digging into God, which felt strange. I mean – it’s one thing to pray for something you want – but it felt like something else to pray not just for something you wanted but for something you really needed. I hadn’t quite got used to digging into God for this: not at the point of the diagnosis.

Yet – God is faithful. I say this un-waveringly. I have fewer memories of my mum without the RA than I do of her battling it. However, I never thought it would really happen to me, as a result of being convinced that God had really blessed me with a super-power that would show itself once I figured out how to unlock it. So, I found it difficult to really draw from memories of my mum. I confess that I felt a bit of a failure where she was concerned. I know my mum was a very strong woman and that her faith enabled her to push ahead despite the debilitating disease. Yet, my mind kept spinning to conversations that she and I had had countless times about the disappointment she faced because of the disease. She so often spoke of things that she would’ve loved to have done together with me but that she was forced to forgo. She spoke of dreams that couldn’t ever become a reality because of the RA. She cried genuine tears for the loss of prime years, for the stress that her illness put on her marriage to my dad and for how she couldn’t always display the vulnerability that she needed to family or friends. She spoke of embarrassment at not being able to do things and of how she disliked being photographed because she felt the deformities showed. She also rued not being in photographs for the same reason. These thoughts didn’t bring me comfort at the point when I was first trying to make sense of my illness.

It got a bit too much for me and I quit a job that I loved in a workplace where I had some amazing colleagues. I could feel myself going all strange, trying to figure this out. I didn’t like and I still don’t like it when people tell me to rest. Like really? You think I don’t know? I have mini explosions inside every time I hear this word: ‘rest’. I do at points wish to remind them that that I am not a sheep. Maybe rest would come easier if I were, with my mouth full of grass, stuck somewhere in a herd of cattle, not needing to move too much.  You are preaching to the converted! The irritation has run high at such points!

I got my diagnosis in the middle of June 2017. It is now March 2020. Soon it will be three years. A lot has happened in these three years. Have I told you? God is faithful. Questions started popping into my mind. I started reading up more about the illness – and I wish there was as much information about it when it first struck my mum, as there is now. How she would’ve benefited. These few years, I’ve spent my time, making my home friendlier to a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis. There are lessons that happen over the course of time. Learning experientially isn’t always as fun as they say it is – I could write a module arguing against it! Yet – experience is a wonderful teacher and my mum was indeed a wonderful example. The disappointments that she voiced were a real godsend. God used them to help me start making the necessary changes. God used some of the sadness she expressed to help me recognize issues that I’m facing right now. For instance, I love entertaining. I want to be able to have friends over and as much as I can’t do things in exactly the same way I used to, which initially made me very sad, I have started trying to figure out how to do what I love in a way that I like. It means making changes. It’s not always easy to make a change. Another example is when I went to a historical state with a couple of friends in January this year, I almost died. I’ve been to this state so many times and I’ve walked for hours on end, without batting an eyelid. This time, I wanted to collapse in a heap by the ruins that we visited. Yet – I found it extremely hard to say that I needed a break. Thankfully, the heat in Malaysia made it difficult for my friends to do as much and they said they wanted a rest. That was my saving grace! These friends of mine are lovely and they wouldn’t have minded it I had wanted to sit something out or if I had said that I couldn’t go on. Yet – I was embarrassed at my shortcomings. It was something I hadn’t figured out. The next time I plan an outing, I’ll think better about things and I’ve psyched myself up to be able to say what needs to be said. Another thing that mum used to talk about was the lack of understanding that there is – among loved ones and people who really ought to know better! I’m beginning to see what she meant more and more clearly.

There are people who have taken offence when I’m unable to shake hands with them. On days like that, I’m not necessarily in the frame of mind to explain that I’m in pain. I’m probably using up a lot of energy already to just be present. There are the friends who look at me on some mornings and exclaim how terrible I look! Thanks! I have a mirror at home – which isn’t cracked, contrary to popular belief. If I look terrible, it’s probably because I had to wake up at some ungodly hour – just to try and overcome the crazy levels of stiffness in my joints – just so that I wouldn’t be crazy late. I would’ve probably been drenched in sweat thanks to the pain and that may have covered up the fact that I really tried to look presentable. In my head, I’ve perfected Captain America’s throwing of his shield right into their mugs. ‘See how good you look after that’, is what I say triumphantly in my head! Usually outwardly, I manage a wry smile. The list is endless.

God willing, I’ve still got some time left on earth. I like earth! I need to work and socialize. I don’t desire copious amounts of rest, though I need a fair bit. I want to dance – but I don’t think my joints will have it anymore and there are things that I feel may not be what I will do again. I won’t be walking for 18 hours on end when I go on holiday. I won’t be planning a strenuous holiday. I’ll not be sleeping in a capsule ever again (like ever!). My days of wearing high heels are gone – and with that, ends my ability to create the illusion of my ideal height. I can’t wear my rings on most days, and I find anything that rests on my joints – like bracelets or necklaces, a right chore. I want shoes that are easy to wear and that are super comfortable. I don’t want clothes that have terribly fancy buttons or hooks – oh heavens! Keep those away! My days of wearing sarees are over – as much as I love them. I love baking – but I’m not going to be able to bake for weddings and large crowds. I think I won’t be doing any large-scale cooking either. I won’t be buying heavy books to read, no matter how beautiful the covers are. The list is endless and what sucks most for me is, it is likely to grow.

Anyhow, I can’t stop living! There’s too much life inside of me. I desire those conversations with friends, where you either laugh till your sides split or you spill a few tears. I desire connection with people – hopefully in different ways, since I can’t do too many ‘fun’ things these days. I don’t want pity. Save that for someone with a severe case of hypochondria. You’ll get further there! Yet – some understanding would be great! I don’t want to keep explaining that this is what I suffer from: if you can remember, I’d appreciate it. Otherwise – never mind! Just go play in a different park. I’d also like a safe space: to express the fears and disappointments that my mum was able to as it keeps things honest. I’d like to be honest with myself and with you. This means, if I tell you that I worry about how the RA is affecting my eyes, you don’t start thinking of me as weak. It means if I tell you something isn’t possible; know that I’m not giving up quickly. Recognize that it’s rational fear or consideration of anyone who’s independent and practical. This list is also endless! There is one more thing that I should add to it though.

Through this pain, I want to remember God. I want to remember that Jesus is good. I want to remember that He is merciful and compassionate. I want to remember that I am here to serve Him and that even if full healing is not what He desires for me right now, that I will never stop remembering that I am here to serve Him – not vice versa. I want this fire to never go out, even on the days that I don’t want to get out of bed. I want this reality to always sit with me, as it did with my mum. I once told her that I wished I could carry the burden of her illness for her. She rebuked me by saying that what God wanted for her in her walk with Him was not for me to interfere with. How right she was. I don’t want pity and I don’t want bucket loads of soppy sympathy. I am on a journey and God is my pillar. He is my strength and He has guaranteed me salvation. I’m learning so much about Him and it is wonderful. He is so real, when I am open about my pain. He promises me an eternal blessing: ‘So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.’ (2 Corinthians 4: 16 – 18).

I do thank God for the amazing support that I have in Him and for some of my loved ones who are constantly there for me in a real sense.

I was born in a non-Christian family. My father passed away a month after I was born. Thereafter my mother went to work in Singapore. She entrusted me to the care of my grandaunt before leaving for Singapore. A few years later, my mother remarried and had a new family in Singapore. Therefore, I grew up in my grandaunt’s house since I was a baby. As I came from a broken family, I was very rebellious during my teenage years. I mixed with bad company when I was in secondary school and as a result, I dropped out of school after my Form 3 PMR exams. 

I became a Christian in the year 2004, and the events leading to it was an amazing experience for me. After the Chinese Lunar New Year that year, I started having strong inclinations and thoughts that I want to believe in Jesus and to become a Christian. At that time, I could not understand why I had those thoughts because none of my friends and relatives are Christians; no one ever shared the gospel with me; I had never attended church; and I had never read the Bible nor any Christian books prior to this. I only knew about Christianity and Jesus through TV programs where I watched people attending church and Jesus hanging on the cross, and whenever I passed by the Catholic Church (Cathedral of the Sacred Heart) in Johor Bahru, I could see the statue of Jesus erected outside the church. 

I tried to seek for answers to justify why I wanted to believe in Jesus, and the only conclusion was that I had this inner peace in my heart whenever I thought of Jesus. Since young, I followed my grandaunt’s many superstitions, all kinds of Chinese taboos, and was involved in idols and ancestor worship, but I never felt the same peace in my heart. Instead, I was very fearful of death. The amazing thing was this fear disappeared whenever I thought of Jesus; this fear was replaced by peace that cannot be described with words. 

This feeling and inclination to believe in Jesus continued and was getting stronger as time went by. So, one Thursday in September 2004, I decided to go to the Cathedral of the Sacred Heart on the coming Sunday (which was 3 days away), and I wanted to tell the person-in-charge there that I want to become a Christian. During this ‘three-day wait’, a cousin whom I had not met for a long time suddenly came to visit me to sell me insurance. After she told me the about the different policies, I shared with her that I want to become a Christian. She then told me that she attends Wesley Methodist Church Johor Bahru (WWCJB) occasionally.  I was very excited and asked her to bring me to church on the coming Sunday. After attending Sunday service for three months and baptism classes at WMCJB, I was baptized and received into church membership on Christmas day 2004. 

Before my conversion to Christianity, I could not stop sinning and my sins had put me in a desperate and hopeless situation. Although at that time I worshipped Buddha and other gods and tried to redeem myself with good deeds, I never had the assurance that I could be saved from my sins, and was always fearful of death and facing punishment in hell. I was exactly like those described in Hebrews 2:15, “Fear of death and were subject to lifelong slavery.” And I was a sinner without hope as stated in Ephesians 2:12, “Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world.” 

But after I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour and understood that he had paid the price for my sins, and that I have hope of eternal life in him; all the fears that plagued me for so many years disappeared, and replaced by the peace in Christ that cannot be described with words: “For he himself is our peace.” (Ephesians 2:14)

After becoming a Christian, I started to enjoy my freedom in Christ and was no longer a slave to sin (Galations. 5:1). My new life in Christ has enabled me to choose to stop sinning, and has given me the freedom to live my life according to God’s will and to follow the teachings of the Bible : to love God and others, to live a holy life and do good deeds.

Not only was my life completely changed by God, He also called me into the Pastoral ministry where I am currently serving. As I look back, I realise that God had been calling me since the day I stepped into WMCJB. I recall that when I attended the English service that day, I had a very strong conviction that one day I would be like that Pastor, standing at the pulpit preaching – even though, at that time, I did not know what was expected of a Pastor. Furthermore, at that time my English was so bad that I did not even understand the sermon! But the desire to become a Pastor and to serve God full time remained deep in my heart over the years. John Wesley called this the “inward call.” It’s an inner experience by certain individuals, when they realise that God wants them to enter into the Pastoral ministry. However, having an “inward call” on its own is not enough because this calling may be the desires of the individual rather than from God. Thus the church has to evaluate, judge and confirm whether that individual is gifted for Pastoral ministry. Wesley called this the “outward call”.

From 2009-2011, I worked in WMCJB as an Office Administrative Assistant. During this time, the church was able to assess me to see whether I was suitable to enter the Pastoral ministry. I want to thank God that I received tremendous support from Pastors, leaders and church members, and they affirmed my calling into full time ministry and sent me to Seminari Theoloji Malaysia for my theological training from 2012-2016.

The decision to enter into full time ministry was not difficult for me. In fact, it was very easy for me to respond to and obey God’s calling.  The reason is because I have experienced God’s tremendous grace, and how much he loves me; therefore I am willing to serve him as an act of gratitude.”